Changing of the Guard

It startled me the other day. The realization that a phase of my life is coming to an end.

For the past seven years I have been "on." All Mommy - All the Time. No vacation. Very little time to myself. The occasional Moms Night Outs or semiannual trips to the dentist aside, I have been a full time Mommy for about the past 60,000 hours of my life.

And now, starting next Wednesday, Brody is headed off to preschool and I am going to have 12 hours a week all to myself.

TWELVE HOURS. All. To. Myself.

I wish I knew how to feel. Part of me is giddy. Will I finally get that massage with the gift certificate that's been sitting in the kitchen for almost 4 years? Will I dawdle in the supermarket isles long enough to read the labels? Will I start some exciting home improvement project? Will I use the bathroom by myself?

And then, there's the other part. The part that can't stand the thought of being alone. For all these years, I've always had a hand to hold as I've walked the mall. There's always been someone to share my lunch with. I've never needed the sound of the TV to keep me company because there's always been plenty of chatter without it. I've never had to wonder what I was going to do each day, because the answer was always "Be Mommy."

And now, for 12 hours a week, I won't need to wear my mommy hat. I can take it off. I can just be Elaine for those few hours. And I'm actually a little scared that I don't quite remember who that girl is anymore. Maybe the old Elaine is gone forever and I'm going to need to figure out how to be a new Elaine.

And then there's the matter of friends. When you are a child, your friends are the kids who live in your neighborhood. And then they become the kids in your class. And by high school and college, you get to start choosing your friends and aren't as limited by whoever is close. Then you start working, and the people you labor with 8 hours a day become your friends. And then you become a stay-at-home mom and suddenly you become friends with these other women whom you have nothing in common with besides the fact that you are both covered in baby vomit and haven't showered in 6 days. And they are your lifeline. And you plan "playdates" with your 4 month olds that can only barely hold their heads up because YOU need to get out of the house before someone has a meltdown (and I'm not talking about the baby.)

And life is good. Very good.

Until everyone's kids grow up. They go to school. And they leave you alone for 12 hours a week with absolutely no excuse to have a playgroup anymore.

So if you see me wandering around, a little aimless, simultaneously smiling and crying, wearing a name tag that says "Hello My Name is Mommy Elaine" hopefully you'll understand. And maybe you'll invite me to a playdate.